i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
