her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
