god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
