Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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