Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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