as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
