im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
