Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
