You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
