I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
