I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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