I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
