my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize