We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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