where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
