Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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