im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
