My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
