everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
