He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
