you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
