Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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