my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
