So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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