YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
