your parents love me but you hate me
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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