And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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