I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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