I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
