I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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