i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
