dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
