Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
