She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
