I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
