dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
