My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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