I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize