We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
