Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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