I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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