when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
