I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize