The best revenge is premature balding
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize