When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
