So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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