My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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