Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I touched a dick in church today
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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