I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
