I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
