Did you just see the Batmobile???
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
