I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
