ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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