i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
