I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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