Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
