keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
